The BackHander
by Dick Rash
Summary: Time-Travel fic where Naruto is badass.
1. Chapter 1

It was the day to meet a new sensei. Naruto graduated yesterday; however, he has already graduated over a thousand times! But the others didn't know that. By all means, he should be dead, but the Kyubi refuses to die, so, it sends his mind and it's mind back in the past to be. The mind inhabitants the past self and destroys it. It was kind of tragic considering that he just killed his past self over a, a lot of times!

But shit, who was he to complain. He's so badass due to living for countless centuries that nobody can do shit to him. A simple backhand would kill a bitch... person. Or, knock them unconscious (it actually depends on how annoyed Naruto is).

For now, walking towards the academy, Naruto was considering showing up late and then backhanding Kakashi little the bitch he is for being so fucking late. However, if he did that, he might get suspended.

Naruto almost smiled at that thought. He became Hokage already, people acknowledged him, and he was the most powerful bitch in the world! Why the fuck should he care for backhanding his teacher?

He smirked.

With a nod, Naruto finally reached the academy. He made it just in time to see Kakashi, the said ninja to get backhanded number 1 walking in front of him towards the classroom. He grunted in annoyance, but managed to smile.

"Hey!" He called out.

The white-haired nin, Kakashi, looked behind him to see Naruto.

Naruto stopped in front of him.

Kakashi looked at him with one-eye.

Naruto smiled a little too creepy.

Kakashi eye-smiled and turned back around to walk.

Naruto himself few into step next to him.

Kakashi himself barely glanced at him before shrugging.

Moments later, they both arrived outside the classroom where, no doubt, Sasuke and Sakura would be waiting for them. an opening of the door later, Kakashi poked his head through and eye-smiled. My first impression of you guys is that you're... interesting and... boring?"

The two inside the classroom eye twitched.

"Now, meet me on the roof if you would please?"

"But sensei!" Sakura, a pink-haired little teen called out before he could leave. "Naruto isn't here!"

Kakashi eye-smiled once more. "Yes he is. He's right behind me." With that, Kakashi disappeared just in time to avoid being backhanded.

Naruto hit the ground: "Tch, fuck my short-stature."

"NARUTO!" Sakura shrieked out when she spouted him. Sasuke merely "tched" himself before standing up from his seat.

Sakura stomped her way towards him.

Naruto grunted in annoyance.

"WHERE WERE YOU!" Sakura was about to hit him over the head, but before she could..

..Naruto backhanded her with his pinky (is that even possible?). "Fucking annoying," he muttered. He glanced at the self-shocked Sasuke and grunted again. "Get the bitch and let's go."

Sasuke seemed to shocked to even retort. He did as told and walked behind the blond until they arrived where Kakashi was waiting for them.

Kakashi rose a brow at what he saw when they entered. A knocked out girl dangling from a shocked black-haired avenger, and an annoyed blond. He almost eye-smiled but he put it of for later... much later.

He slapped his hands together and brought them out in front. "Now that we're here, as a team, why don't we take the time to introduce each other." Kakashi glanced around him and almost sweatdropped. The only one he could he get an introduction from was the blond. Sasuke was still in shock and Sakura was still unconscious.

He cleared his throat: "Well, Naruto; would you do the honors?"

Naruto almost laughed. "Well, I have only a few things I like. One of those things are fucking the shit out of people. Mind and body I'll like to add. Fucking whores and bitches a like. Backhanding said bitches, and backhanding anything that annoys me. I hate annoyances and stupid people who contradict themselves with an almost non-extant sense of hero. My hobbies are my likes and my name if Fucking Naruto. Middle name is irrelevant since I'm too much of a badass to even pronounce it myself. Ann my dream is to find 'truth.' Not a 'truth' but _the _'truth.'

Naruto smiled at Kakashi's look of retard. "Why don't you go next sensei?"

Kakashi shook out of his stupor. "ah well-"

"Ah, never mind." Naruto interrupted. "You're annoying, just skip to one of these arseholes next to me."

Kakashi tried not to look insulted. Sasuke was still in shock.

"Naruto?" Kakashi asked a little skeptical. "Are you _the _Naruto?"

Naruto eye-smiled.

* * *

It took a month for the whole thing to work. And in that month, it was a nightmare for the team. Even Kakashi, the teacher. Especially Kakashi, the bastard had it the worst. After being backhanded the first time during the bell test, he had to stay in a coma for two days before he was fit enough to walk. Three more days and he could finally leave the hospital. Another day to reassure himself that he is just a student, Kakashi was convinced enough to meet his team again. Unfortunately, after every mission or during mission, Sakura had the habit to distract almost everybody with her own annoying self. And, almost every day, Naruto had to backhand her with his pinky. If he did it with his finger she would probably be dead. And, poor Kakashi had to carry her back to her parnets since Sasuke was still a douche about things and Naruto...

He shuddered. He didn't want to get backhanded again.

Kakashi himself though found himself in a predicament. The old Hokage allowed them to get a bigger mission. The biggest jaw dropping thing about it though was that Naruto manipulated the old coot into getting one. It was so embarrassing to even admit that; however, oddly enough, he felt proud that his student was able to do that. The question though that he asked himself was whether he should.

Probably not, he mussed.

Now, after leaving the viallge, he first thing Naruto did was backhand his other student: Sakura. He asked him why the he;l did he do that. kakashi even threatened a suspended license for attacking a fellow ninja. Naruto merely replied: "She'll be annoying. so, I did _us _a favor."

Kakashi couldn't agree more. Sasuke, believe or not, couldn't agree more as well.

Ah, what wonderful team moments, Kakashi thought surprisingly cheerful. he glanced at Sakura, who was used as a training tire that was roped and tied to Sasuke's waist. _Except for her. _Kakashi almost pitied her. Almost.

Now, before he could even talk to Naruto again, scolding for sure, he spotted a puddle. Kakashi wasn't known as a prodigy for nothing; he knew that a puddle in the day was worth shit in real life. He ignored though. However, he glanced at Naruto from the corner of his eye and saw him walk towards the puddle. He was _about _to warn him.; but the backhand from a month ago came back thorugh his head...

_"I want all three of you to come at me with the intent to kill. If you don't then you on't get the bell and... no lunch." Kakashi looked at the three students. "Now at three... THREE GO!" _

_With that, two of his three students disappeared, but, Naruto stayed behind. His eyebrow rose; "you have it all wrong, don't you?"_

_Naruto grunted and walked up to Kakashi. He fucking walked and stopped right in front of him._

_Kakashi almost laughed at how 'lost' the blond looked. "Ah, Naruto; the object-"_

_With speed unrivaled, Naruto jumped and backhanded the shit out of Kakashi. Kakashi looked at darkness after that._

_..._"Ah, he needs no help at all."

* * *

Naruto, was annoyed. More than annoyed, he was shit-faced annoyed. A month with the same people really drove him up the wall. The only thing that kept him amused was the backhanding of Sakura-chan with his pinky. He smirked at that. but then realized that he's in a mission to wave! he scowled again.

_Fucking Zabuza and Haku. Backhand both to teach them the value of life. _With that thought in mind, Naruto finally spooted the puddle that he was so desperately looking for. He needed something to relive himself after all!

With a casual shrug, Naruto shoved his hands into his dark red pants and stopped in front of the puddle. He pulled out his right hand from his pocket, brought his his hand back, and backhanded the puddle. He watched in some form of satisfaction when deep red began to cover the once blue.

And, in a poof of smoke, the puddle turned into two dead mist nin that were missing their heads.

Naruto smirked, Kakashi only eye widened; and Sasuke could care less, but he just grunted in annoyance (nothing Naruto did surprised him anymore).

Sakura was still used as a training tire.

* * *

Zabuza was still badass in his book. Even though he was the biggest douche, he was badass. He had a big sword that could cleave you in half, can kill you silently, and had no eyebrows. Simply epic. However, he was still an annoyance because no matter how many times he tried to convince him not to fight him and his team, zabuza refused because of his own code: stay loyal until you yourself are betrayed. But that hasn't happened, yet unfortunately. That's why he had the biggest urge to backhand him, but kakashi, the dick, pulled him out of the fight and made him watch.

And, like a retard, he got trapped by being careless.

Sakura was still used as a training tire.

Now, Sasuke was useless like the training tire on the ground; however, Naruto still had a weapon: his hand.

"Hahahaha, you stupid brats! Do you even know what it means to be a shinobi?"

Naruto grunted in annoyance. _Why does he always has to bring that up_? _It's annoying_.

Naruto sighed and walked towards the eyebrow-less bastard, hand raised to strike down any unfortunate soul.

zabuza chocked his laughter when he saw Naruto advancing by walking. "You stupid brat hahaha! You are so scared that you are just walking towards your death! Water Clone jutsu!" Five clones erupted and charged at Naruto.

Kakashi almost closed his eyes but Naruto's backhand appeared to force him awake. "What the fuck?"

As the clones rushed, Naruto merely backhanded each clone that got in his way until he reached shore. He brought his hand up high and slammed it into the water.

What happened next was epic, and considered badass in Naruto's book even though he'd done the same thing a lot of times.

The Water rippled and stopped like lightning; then, a huge whirlpool appeared under Zabuza's feet until a blast of water erupted from the whirlpool.

Zabuza never stood a chance. He was blasted and Kakashi was released. Zabuza soared through the air until he twisted his body so he can land on his feet. however, when he did, he saw Naruto's backhand in front of him. And that was the last thing he saw.

When Naruto landed, Zabuza's body also landed with his head disconnected. Kakashi was in shock.

But, that didn't help much because soon an ice mirror appeared behind the blond. A needle flew through but Naruto backhanded it away like nothing. another ice appeared again but this time over head; needles flew out but Naruto back, and palmhanded all of them away.

Naruto grunted in annoyance and backhanded the mirror that appeared in front of him.

It shattered and out flew out a hunter-nin with the nin's head disconnected from his/her shoulders'.

Kakashi, and Sasuke looked shocked again.

Tazuna, the old bastard who requested the mission, was the first to get over the shock. "Uh, what the fuck just happened?"

Naruto grunted out in annoyance.

* * *

For the past week, nothing bad happened. Except on Thursday, everybody hates Thursday. Thursday was the day Gato attacked with his men and a new pair of shinobi. The real kicker of the shinobi he hired though were the three stupid brothers who tried to kill Haruna the princess of the Land of Vegetables. Naruto was more than happy to backhand those bitches and Gato AND his men.

It was a very satisfying day for him.

However, it got even better when he backhanded Inari, the little grandchild of the old bastard. Sure, he pissed of the MILF but, he could care less. He fucked her already, even though she never knew, and he didn't really feel like doing it again. The satisfying part of it all was that Inari had to get it rubbed in his face when Naruto shoved him Gato's severed head. Little bitch never felt so confused in his life; bad thing about it was that Inari never learned his lesson to be a man. But, he could care less. Naruto didn't feel like saving the same country... again.

Speaking of country, Naruto idly wondered where Koyuki was at. The little tragic princess of Snow/Spring; he really wanted backhand her now (and also fuck her).

So, after a few more days, the bridge was complete, and Naruto? He 'convinced' Tazuna to name the bridge Backhand. And when he convinced, he actually threatened him... with his backhand. It was so epic... wrong.

Kakashi never knew about that. Neither did Sasuke and Sakura... but nobody cares about her so let's skip her.

So, the team of the number seven met in front of the bridge to cross and to get the hell out of there. everybody was saying bye except Naruto. Well, Naruto had his backhand in the air; people knew not to say anything.

"Bye, I'll miss you guys." Tazuna made sure to avoid eye contact with the blond.

Kakashi eye-smiled; "Yeah, this bridge will help us meet you one day though," he pointed out.

"I know but-"

"Ahem," somebody interrupted.

Everybody turned and finally made eye contact with the blond backhander. He looked... annoyed (no surprise there).

"Why did you interrupt Naruto?" Sakura asked helplessly.

Naruto backhanded her with his pinky. "Let's go. The plot needs to keep moving."

Sasuke went wide-eyed. _He broke the fourth wall!_

"I wonder who in god's name names a person Sasuke? It sounds like something out of somewhere... but where?" Naruto asked randomly.

Sasuke's eye twitched but didn't say nothing for fear of the backhand. _He broke the fifth wall **and **insulted me!_

Yeah... nobody cares...

* * *

They were back in Konoha... actually it's been a few weeks since they returned. and nobody was happy with that. word spread that Naruto was backhanding people through the wall... people that annoyed him that is. And that was almost the whole population of Konoha. The only ones who HAVEN'T been backhand where the Hokage, Danzo, and Haishi for some reason. Nobody knew and nobody cared.

And yes, even jonins, senseis' genins, chunins, spies, and clothes have been backhanded. Nobody escaped the wrath of the backhand. The one who gets constantly backhand though were Sakura and, surprisingly, Shino. When Shino asked why in a pleading pathetic tone of voice Naruto replied; "Because it's in my nature."

How condescending.

Luckily, the chunin exam were around the corner and that meant that Naruto would be too busy to backhand people.

How nice.

However it was bad if he killed someone with his backhand. thus lead him to where he was at now.

Naruto stood in front of Konohamaru, the annoying little bitch that annoys him at every turn; however, he still likes him... somewhat, and his friends: Moegi, and Udon. Naruto smirked when backhanded the make-up wearing bitch with his middle finger.

How humiliating.

But, the make-up wearing fuck was instantly knocked unconscious so he wouldn't know until he woke up. Temari however, the blond little arrogant bitch, looked absolutely livid at that. She grabbed her fan and was about to strike but was backhanded too! But with a full hand! her head flew through the air and into the wall of sand that was up in a tree.

_Gaara_, Naruto thought in annoyance.

Gaara growled and sent a wave of sand at him. He was mad because he couldn't participate in the exams anymore now with his teammates dead! However, he saw an opportunity to prove his existence by killing the person who killed his siblings! And he knew his siblings were strong!

However, his sand proved to be in affective against him. Naruto backhanded the sand and casually walked towards Gaara, backhanding and palm slapping the sand ot of his way until he reached the ultimate defense.

He backhanded that shit like no tommorow.

The backhand was so strong that it tore like a knife through butter when he striked.

Gaara's head flew through the air.

And then, when Gaara's head hit the ground, shikaku, the One-Tailed demon came out in a voice so retarded that Naruto just had to backhand it.. **hard**.

**"WEEEEEEE... I'M FREE!"**

Now, what happened after that was such a blur that nobody even knew what the fuck happened. One thing that happened for sure was that civilians that have seen it screamed like shit and ran. ninja who sensed the chakra rushed where they felt it; however, the next second was that Naruto flew in the air and backhanded the shit out of Shikuka which made it turn into the One-Tailed Demon of shit because that's what it became after a backhand.

It was like Pandora box had opened with shit coming out.

It was epic... for Naruto that is.

* * *

Walking towards the academy to take the chunin exam, Naruto turned towards Sasuke and Sakura; they flinched on reflex when he looked at them though. He held out both hands. Sasuke and Sakura looked at him questionably.

"Take my hand and a small amount of my power would transfer over to you both. It will make you both as strong as a kage. I garenfuckingtee it," Naruto said with a grunt.

They did so and immediately felt a rush of power. However Naruto held out two fingers. 'One, don't abuse the power. Two, the fuck with me." With that he turned and walked into the academy. When he did, he backhanded everybody that got in his way.

Good thing Sakura and Sasuke decided to pick up his example. They threw them out a window.

Man, what a great team.

When they reached the door into the first test, they found Kakashi in front waiting for them. He was going to speak but he was back handed byt Naruto and thrown out the window by Sasuke and Sakura.

Naruto kicked the door opened and gave a look of annoyance at each competitor. "You guys are annoying," he spoke condescendingly. everybody bristled at that, except Sasuke and Sakura.

And, since everybody of the rookie nine and every leaf ninja had been backhanded, it came to no surprise that they were backhanded almost immediately when they started to walk towards them. But, it was surprising when Sasuke and Sakura threw them olut the window.

The biggest surprise though, to Sasuke and Sakura was that Naruto made a jutsu appeared (they never seen Naruto do a jutsu!). immediately they saw Naruto make ten clones and all eleven of them rushed at everybody and backhanded everybody. Sasuke and sakura immediately threw everybody out the window.

And just in time because Ibiki appeared. "ALRIGHT MAGGOTS! THE TES- WHERE THE FUCK IS EVERYBODY?"

Ibiki turned to the only three people in the classroom. he cringed at the sight of Naruto, specifically, his backhand.

"Oh.." he whispered solemnly. "You guys pass then."

Forty-five minutes later, the second proctor appeared in a ball. "LISTEN UP MAGGOT-woah." Anko surveyed the room and only found three people. "what the fuck happened?"

Ibiki pointed a shaking finger at Naruto and punched the table. Anko looked at the backhand and shook her own fist. "I'll back hand you brat!"

But it was too late, she was backhanded first. And, to Ibiki's surprise, Naruto started to loot her body. And he brought out two scrolls that he instantly recognized.

"Come," Naruto grunted out. And so Sasuke and Sakura did like lost little puppies... how sad.

* * *

It was the day of the final exam. But not that many people were looking forwards to it. The only people who made it were team 7: A.K.A. the next sannin. They forgot the fact that Naruto and them backhanded the competition and threw them out a window to win.

And, since it was only three people, the proctor made it into a three-way fight. But when the match began Naruto backhanded both of them and won the chunin examn. And when that happened the invasion finally began. However, when it did and when the Hokage box burst int o smoke, Naruto was already there and backhanded everybody there. yes, even the Hokage.

It was epic.

But then, shit hit the floor. Naruto made hundreds of clones appear and made them scatter.

What happened next was history's most one-sided war ever. Naruto was backhanding everybody! It was epic. Soon, everybody he found annoying was dead and those he tolerated where just unconscious.

Just like that, the war ended with Sand having no leader and a lot less ninja and all there ninja were crap anyways; and Sound was as good as gone since every good shinobi died (except Kimimaru, but he'll be dead soon because I feel like it).


	2. Chapter 2

Naruto sat at the Hokage's office with a scowl. His fingers kept moving the mouse from the computer in front of him so he could continue his 'enjoyment' but everything he found pissed him off! He so desperately wanted to backhand the shit out of the computer; however, he knew it wasn't the computers fault. It's the author's fault for making stupid stories with stupid shit that made no sense! He scowled as he read one of the yaoi stories that overpopulate most of the website he's at: fanfiction.

"Why the fuck do people think I'm gay?" He asked with rage boiling over him. He's never been as angry. trust Jesus, the last time he'd been angry was when Sai drew a picture of his penis, and he did THAT _extra _small. Sai, as a punishment, received a double backhand. His life? Let's just say that oblivion would have been a happy ending for him; but, it wasn't. Poor bastard.

Clicking back, Naruto scrolled through the community sites to hightail all the best and shit. He looked at one such community:1,000 PLUS Extraordinary Fics with Extraordinary Reviews!

He scowled though when he looked at some of the most retarded stories EVER! But, he had to admit, some did make him laugh.

He chuckled a little when clicked back to the page and decided to check out some authors.

Now, as he checked out the authors of the site, Sasuke took the time to walk in. And, he was nervous as shit. The chunin exam was still fresh in his mind after all.

"Ah, Naruto?" Sasuke squeaked out. Kinda of pathetic if anybody heard.

Naruto just ignored him though.

"Naruto?"

Naruto sighed. "What Sasuke? Can't you see I'm busy?"

Sasuke fidgeted at that. A nervous glance later, he replied; "Well, I was wondering..."

Naruto snapped. "Just get to the point before I backhand the shit out of you!"

"Since you're Hokage I was hoping you would allow me to hunt my brother!" Sasuke gulped when a single digit was raised in the air.

"Come here," Naruto ordered, he finger doing the motions to add more affect; however, instead of going up and down it was going left to right (that finger was ready to backhand the shit out of any unfortunate soul).

"Ah, yes..: Sasuke replied nervously. He walked towards Naruto's desk.

"Come around!"

Sasuke scrambled next to him.

In that moment, Naruto stood up and pointed towards his seat. And then pointed at the computer screen. "Read that shit, and tell me what you think."

Sasuke nodded and sat down. He wiped his own sweat and looked at the screen. What he saw... was words? Paragraphs? Perhaps a story? "Uh, wh-?"

"Just fucking read!"

He gulped and started to read the content.

However, after a few minutes Sasuke stood up and was prepared to chakra blast that shit called a computer. But, Naruto stopped him with a kick... a kick? Yes, the back end of his feet. So, Naruto backkicked the shit out him.

Sasuke was in a lot pain but was not unconscious.

"Tell me what's wrong with it Sasuke," Naruto ordered calmy.

"it's Horrible!" Sasuke wept.

"Why is it horrible?"

"Because it's stupid!"

"How stupid?"

"Because! The characters act like dumbass! Especially my character! They all act like that! But in a more epic wrong level!"

"i see..."

"But the worst part about it is that the title of the story is so misleading!"

"Go on.."

"The title says: Naruto Reads Naruto, but this shit has EVERY fucking canon character there! It makes no fucking sense! It just has so many questions you want to ask but you can't because it's pointless! Like, why the fuck would all of them gather in one fucking place? Why the fuck would they act like they are part of the story they are specifically reading? It makes me cry too because it says I became a douche... in THEIR story, but they don't even know ME. Not their me but ME! The irony of it is that I get the feeling that the stupid idiot of an author would place his story in his story which would make his stupid characters read about them self's and they'll realize that they were reading themselves and so a cluster fuck would happen and they would realize that JEsus was not real and that Harry Potter IS real. It's-"

Naruto backhanded Sasuke already. He was getting tired of his rant but it left Naruto satisfied. _Thank god I didn't read that piece of shit. _He wiped his forehead and looked at Sasuke, who was unconscious. _But man, that story must be shit if it made Sasuke act WAY OCC. _

But, just to be curious, Naruto at back down and looked at the story. More specifically, it's reviews... "What the fuck? This shit has a thousand?"

Naruto had an epiphany at that moment: _People are stupid... ore stupider than the one who writes it... just like the bible.  
_

* * *

Few hours later, people would e awestruck when they saw a computer flying out the Hokage's Tower window.

People, to this day, would say it was epic.

The workers who wondered why Naruto, their new Hokage, would do such a thing, would only hear a muttering of, "Fucking TvTropes" when they pass by his office.

Anyways, by the time Naruto finally calmed down, Jiriaya would pass by the window. The reason why he would be passing by and NOT go in was because he feared a backhand. But, he kinda of doubted the rumors. _My Godson would never do that after all._

How wrong he is.

Finally made up his choice, Jiriaya jumped into the Hokage office... only to get backhanded (no surprise there).

When he woke up, he found himself in the same office but with his godson behind the desk. If it was somebody else from a foreign nation that looked at the small little kid behind the seat of Hokage and found out that said person IS the Hokage, s/he would of questioned Fire Nation's sanity; however, people wold sill warn him/her about that backhand.

Now, when Jiriaya stood up from the floor he was laying in, he immediately stormed his way towards his godson. "Why you brat!" Jiriaya pretended to be angry, hoping it would scare him.

Naruto merely sighed.

"You backhanded me... didn't you!"

Naruto raised his backhand threateningly.

Jiriaya took a step back out of fear.

"Ok, what do you want Jiraiya?"

"You know who I am?"

"Yes."

"How?"

"because I checked your wallet after I backhanded you." Naruto tossed him the wallet.

Jiriaya immediately caught it and rummaged through it. He scowled. 'You stole some of my money... didn't you?"

Naruto smiled creepy. It freaked Jiriaya out. "No, You donated the money to the village. You should be proud."

"Haha, you cheeky bastard." Naruto smiled but then it faltered. "You have a point?"

Jiriaya opened his mouth to retort but, Naruto eat him to it. "Just hurry up. You're annoying."

He cleared his throat and pretended not to look insulted. "well, I've been given a mission to search for Tsunade, and I want you to come with me."

Jiriaya was prepared to convince him to come with him but what Naruto said shocked him; "Ok, let's go; I'm bored anyways." Naruto shrugged and walked past him. "I'll meet you at the North gate in ten minutes." He called out over his shoulder, and with that, he left leaving an eye twitching old bastard in his wake.


End file.
